Jesse Said:

Do you think what i have wrote sounds good?

We Answered:

First, let me tell you that I am going to break down and basically butcher your passage here, because that's what proofreaders and editors do. I only sound harsh 'cause I'm trying to help you, so don't take it personally.

For one thing, stop starting your sentences with "I". While it is necessary in some situations, it is not needed for 99% of the passage. Actually, scratch that--stop starting your sentences with the same pattern and words! Repetition is only effective in poetry--and very ineffective in prose. It makes your story seem boring and lacking in variety. Use the thesaurus! It is a writer's best friend!

Also, pay attention to the use of punctuation!

'I said looking down at my boots again and feeling the guilt just pile up on my shoulders.' needs a comma after "said". Remove the just--it is unnecessary and makes the sentence seem too informal to be an actual story.

Try not to use the term "went up to" in a formal writing, because you can't actually go UP to somewhere/something. I'm almost certain the term originates from slang and misuse (like "Can I go to the washroom"). Try using something along the lines of "I approached..."

The phrase "I told him thanks" is rather awkward as well. It may flow better with something like "I thanked him" or "I muttered a quiet "thanks" and...."

'Jane was a sweet elderly lady with white curly hair on top of her head' is a sentence with some redundancy. What is redundancy? Stupid idiot, straight line, wet water are all examples of that (it is a bit hard to explain...) I'm sure that it is already strongly implied that an elderly lady has white hair on her head and not somewhere else. Moreover, "on top" invokes an image of an ill-fitted wig that is actually lying on top of the head. A sentence such as "....with white, (you forgot the comma here!) curly hair framing her petite face..."

Now, onto my last point of the day (mostly because I don't feel up to scrolling back up to the passage to read for any more suggestions): linking sentences. Use commas! You do not need to put a period after every action and point. Commas, semi-colons and colons can be used to link sentences together without the use of transition words.

For example, "She walked up to me carrying a bluish gray uniform. It was a skirt and a t-shirt that had white buttons down it along with a white color." could be linked into "She walked up to me, carrying what seemed to be my uniform: a blue-gray (do no use -ish in formal writing unless if it is part or a character's natural speech pattern!) skirt and matching button-down top."

Now....I feel that this is sufficient for now. Again, please do not feel offended by my criticism. Despite my own pride and ego, I, too, feel that constructive criticism is needed for improve.

Erica Said:

I Need Hair Help Really Bad!!! ((AND I Need answers within the next 18 hours))?

We Answered:

Try These Bob Styles in These Pics, You can see many on These Pics in this Yahoo Group

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Here are some samples of the Pics in this Group.

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Also, another Yahoo Group is for women who like the
wet look, this Group is

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/greaserwom…

If You Like Silky Long Hair Styles, This Yahoo Group
has Pic’s and Links to Sites for that look

http://uk.groups.yahoo.com/group/hairpas…

If You Like to See Hairstyle of Ultra Short and short
Bob Styles this Yahoo Group may be for you.

Women with ultra short hairstyles or bob cuts.
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Andre Said:

Do you think this first chapter sounds good? (please answer.)?

We Answered:

It seems good. When it says, it seem like I lied on a regular bases, it would sound better as: it seemed like I lied on a regular basis. Also when a character says something and you add a tag, like "I am hungry," he said. It's a tag and not the beggining of a new sentence so you put a coma and then the he said. But other than that it's really good.

Terri Said:

Please, tell me if you like what I have written?

We Answered:

I'm glad you took the suggestions (mine and others') to heart! The passage is greatly improved, and despite a few of the grammar and spelling errors (which I will omit in this editing session as per request) I can feel the atmosphere, mood and direction. I'm loving the sentence diversity and the descriptions have also become more interesting.

Good job with the use of commas as well: your sentences are not longer as choppy and abrupt. Transition words can also be used to link sentences and words; this will create more variety in the passage and will keep readers alert and interested.

Keep working at it, you're getting there!

Marian Said:

what is a lan network?

We Answered:

LAN stands for Local Area Network. It's a bunch of computer hooked up together by an ethernet connection.